We've made the decision - - when!

I was to be in Utah this week and stay for a month. Dean had surgery on Monday and I was going to assist him through it and then stay with him for a month. Ever since we planned for me to go I never felt like I would go but I still kept planning to go. It seemed like the right thing to do and yet there was this knawing feeling that it wouldn't happen.

On Saturday last week, Clay was in the office of our home eating his lunch and looking for jobs to apply for on the computer. I heard him call me, "Mom? . . . " Then there was a pause after I answered, "Yes Claydee?" The next thing that happened was I heard this long garbled sentence come from him but I couldn't make out what he said. I thought it was because the TV was turned up. I turned down the volume and said, "Clay, I didn't understand you, what do you need." Then Clay yelled, "Mom, COME NOW, I NEED YOU!" When I heard that, it's like my feet never hit the ground. I was instantly at his side. I knew something was wrong. As I entered the office he said, "Something's wrong with me!" I knew instinctively what it was but I still said, "What happened!?" He didn't know - - but his face was white and his hands were shaking. I knew because I had heard his very garbled first sentence. Seizure! Because he was speaking again, I knew he was already recovering but still did not have control of his muscles and body movements.

We spent the rest of the afternoon at the hospital getting him checked out. Nothing wrong. CT scan was clear and blood tests were normal. Instant peace of mind. That's what we needed. We figure it may have had something to do with spending so much time in a dark room on the computer and not getting enough natural or artificial sunlight and doing yard work and not drinking enough. At any rate, I cancelled my trip to Utah. Neither Dean nor I felt good about my leaving just two days after Clay's seizure. Over the next two days Dean and I spent time on the phone and trying to decide what to do. We're going to move at the end of May if everything goes well. We'll pack and leave the last week. Dean needs to have me there by June 1 because his work will pick up after that and we wouldn't be able to do a move until Fall. If I had gone to Utah this week, it would have delayed our move until the Fall. All things happen for a reason and there are no coincidences. That's what I believe. I'm so glad to finally know when I'll be moving. There have been so many things that held up our decision. Leaving Clay will be heartwrenching for me but he is so excited to live in the house alone and be responsible for the house and his life.

As for Claydee? We're watching him and have decided to hold off on seeing a specialist unless he has another seizure. No need to do more tests and try medications with side affects unless we know he is going to really be having some problems. We did that when he was little and the meds caused more severe problems than the illness.

While he has fully recovered and it was an exhausting experience for both of us, things are fairly normal again. It's still in teh back of our minds but we're moving forward. My daughter, asked me how I coped in the moments after Clay called for me. She said, "You know how you get upset mom." You know what? When you are a mom, you are always always calm in the most pressure cooker moments. No matter what you go through, somehow you stay calm when it is about your family member who is in trouble. It's that, "Stay calm! They need you to be calm" thing that takes over in your head. I took his blood pressure and pulse and when I realized we didn't need to call 911 we took him to the hospital. These are the times that make you realize you are never done being a mom. You are thankful when you realize that your children will always have times when they will call from the next room or from the other side of the country and your heart will always stop just for an instant and then you go into overdrive seeing to their needs. I love you Clayeee. I love you Rachee and Howard. I Love you Ericio and Jen. I may not always be around but if I can I will come to wherever you are in the moment you need me. I love you. Dad and I both do.