Phones Gone

Today I disconnected our home phone. That felt really weird. I had been promising myself and others that I would do it long ago. It's called not being able to let go. I keep going to the fax phone to the left of me here in our office to make a call and then I'm surprised when I hear no dial tone. The first two times I did this I went to each phone in the house to see if they had tone. How could I forget so fast that this morning I called the phone company and asked them to disconnect. Now it's cell or nothing. It's weird not having the fax running too. These are signs that we really are getting close to closing up shop here and moving to Utah. I f you read this and need to reach me it's email (deang40@bellsouth.net) Facebook or cell phone (435-864-7349). I'm still very reachable just not by the phone on the wall anymore. My computer is also down so I'm using Clay's laptop. Very inconvenient. I have large man hands and laptops are made for medium sized or small hands.

Insecurities - even at age 52

I'm ready to reveal a secret. My entire life I've had this thing about having a round face. Even when I'm thin I have this round face and it has contributed in a negative way to my self-esteem or lack of it. I also have no forehead which has also made me self-conscious. Add to this the unfornate fact that my hair line grows way down on my face if I'm not careful to use an epi-stick. There, I've let you in on some of my most kept secrets. Today I was worried about the shape of my face again and my hair which grows down my face instead of on my head (in fact, I'm developing a severe case of female-pattern baldness) which is something that I may eventually need counselling for. But Today? Today I went to the internet to see who are the beautiful women of the world with round faces? Here is the list! Yay! Meet my newest girlfriends. Now I just need to find out if any of them struggle with hair loss.

Isabella Rossellini
Audrey Hepburn
Katherine Jenkins
Christina Ricci
Geena Davis
Kelly Osborne

Pictures that grab my heart!

Seeing my family on a ride at Disney World. That's my mom in the hat. Cute! She loves hats and is so pretty in them. Look! Our family fills the train!

One very special star on a very special night seen in the America's and in the Old World. A promise kept coming to pass.

Marriage for eternity . . . not just until death do we part because of promises made today.

Young couples in love sharing a Christmas Eve with their Family in Florida.

"Mama, put me down and let me play . . . . or else!"

Saying goodbye to a sweet wife and welcoming a brand new grandaugter . . . in the same week. Who could have realized except in these experiences such joy and such pain all at one time. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Gracious is The Lord. There must be opposites in life or we would never now joy from pain, health or sickness, poverty or wealth, happiness or saddness.

Letting her go. Saying goodbye. "I'm not ready!" We said this when she got married and never thought we'd say it again. . . not this soon.

Families are Forever. Sealed for eternity in the Temples of God on earth . . . Yay! Christmas at the Temple . . . Yay! I'll be there this year. Yay!

Sadness in her eyes . . . she loved her too. Makes me want to hug her right through this screen.

A beautiful grandaughter . . . raised by her grandfather . . . steals some sugar from him on her wedding day.

" I don't know what this is . . . . but I like it . . . . alot!"

The brother to three sisters who leads our family in many ways. . . this is his fun and friendly and pretty so pretty family.

My two favorite piano students of all time. Sweet experiences with them. So much laughter and a few tears on one piano bench. They are my children too.

Two best friends from kindergarten still able to be silly and have fun. Their moms never thought they'd grow up. Now they are moms!

Six men who belonged to a mother and wife. . . and still do. The middle brother will be home in 3 months from his mission. He will miss seeing his mother's eyes and feeling her kiss on his cheek. We'll all be there for him. That's what families are for. That will be another picture that will tug at my heart.

"Each day brings it's own challenges (and joys), but life would be a total waste without knowing what it is all about and where we can get help. . . . When you are in your nineties you find that many of your dear friends have gone on. But even with these separations, my love for them remains intact and I look forward to renewing those close relationships. How grateful I am for the gospel and for the assurance that even friendships are eternal."(Marjorie Pay Hinckley)

"And lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of they days." Moses 1:26

"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. " Cherokee Saying

Answering Comment Questions/ ShaPoopy disintegrator and Seizure Syndrome

I noticed that a couple of my family members had commented on earlier posts of which I missed. I wanted to answer their questions here. There were two comments/questions on two different posts which I never answered. The two topics were not related.

What is poop disintegrator?
Poop Disintegrator is a chemical powder that comes in very handy after natural disasters or even while camping if you find you have to resort to collecting your "shapoopies" in plastic bags rather than using bathroom facilities which may not be available. It is something that preparedness experts and people in Florida should have on hand at all times in their 75 hour preparedness kits. We have not had to use our poop disintegrator but we do have it just in case. It kills the aroma and disintegrates the actual object. Hope this helps.

Seizures and Electronic video Games - - (Our family, most of us from Grandpa down to grandchildren have a history of seizures ranging from very mild to the more severe Grande Mall type). Did you know that Lewis Carroll who wrote Alice in Wonderland had seizures and this story came from his experiences of having seizures. That's why this story is scary to some children but to our family it is a real depiction of how we feel when we enter the experience of a seizure. Everything can get bigger, longer, taller, louder. This entry is in Answer to my niece Sara's comment on an earlier blog entry of mine.

Now - - - Sara, your comment both concerned me and made me laugh. You have seizures while playing video games . . . and you are not afraid to go back to them? You are one of the bravest people I know because of all you have done in your life and now this? . . . very brave! Walking into walls? That is too funny. I have also had the type of seizures you describe having but I have not had one since the week after we moved to Florida 20 years ago. I had these all the time when I was growing up and Rachel says that she has had them as well and Eric. I do remember getting up after a seizure which usually came as I was waking from a nap or sleep and feeling like I was disoriented and dizzy so I get the wall thing! I had the distortions of time and space and even the air seems to move slowly and I seemed to be able to hear and see the air move at times. Then when Ryan and Kevin were diagnosed, we all were able to relate and knew that we were not normal and that we were really having something out of the ordinary. I thought everybody had these and that it was part of life. I didn't know you were having this experience while playing electronic games. That is fascinating and it also makes sense.

When I was in my 20's I had panic disorder for a short period of time. The first time I had a full blown panic attack I was in a game room with my children. Because of your comment on my bog, I realize now that I may have had a seizure set off by bells and flashing lights that sent me into a panic mode. I wonder if seizures account for part of the reason that there is a high level of creativity in our family - - art and music. Clay seems to have a photographic memory of everything he sees, hears and learns. When he was little with each of his seizures I noticed that he seemed to be more alert and bright after each seizure and his grades got better and better with no added effort on his part. He never had to study or work at anything really. His brain seemed to be stimulated in some way for the positive. He was on the computer when he had this more serious seizure that affected his speech two months ago. So there has to be some relation to all of this. I think Ryan had a seizure while working at his office on the computer but I'm not sure. Dean has commented that he has never been around a family who had so much music and artistic (painting) talent. Maybe I'll tell him that it is because of our seizures and then he won't feel as bad about his family not having these "gifts." Grandpa had seizures and we know that his talent is amazing amazing.

Wouldn't it be interesting to hook us up to EEG machines while playing video games to see what effect this has on you and others comparatively? It is true that seizures can also cause brain damage but that does not seem to be the case in this family's experience. We're very lucky and blessed. Do you feel that your painting gets better after having had a seizure?

Thyroid Diagnosis

Good News! My thyroid is a little low but not low enough to warrant an increase in meds at this point. I'm so glad even though this doesn't help my symptoms improve. An increase in meds would also increase my chances for osteo and greater hair loss so I'm happy to stay where I'm at. What am I doing about my symptoms? Drinking lots and lots of water to keep myself hydrated which will help decrease the heart palpitations and the blood pressure and help with joint pain. I take a mild sedative when I get behind on my rest - - because I have had some mild insomnia. . . and I work on keeping a positive outlook and happy face on at all times. Getting good sleep is the main factor so I will do that whenever possible. The doctor gave me 30 xanax to help me sleep. She gave me 30 a year ago when my thyroid was way down and I still have 15. I'm sure that 15 plus the extra 30 she gave me today will last me two more years because I only take 1/2 a pill and probably once a month if that often. I heard tonight that Michael Jackson was taking 40 xanax a night to sleep - - Wow, I don't know how he made it through one night if that is true. Yay! My thyroid is hanging in there with me after all.

Just Wait until Fifty The Family Thyroid

My daughter, Rachel, myself and my sister, Alyson, all have thyroid disease. We have inherited it from grandmothers and great-grandmothers. Rachel recently put on 20 pounds "overnight" and then manifested other symptoms which helped the doctor diagnose her. Rachel, Alyson and myself are in good company.

Marie Osmond left her husband and her family because her thyroid disease was mistaken as post-partum depression. She thought she was losing her mind. She wasn't. Her thyroid had gone south on her. Depression is a symptom.

Whoopi says that looking at a bag of Lays Potato Chips will cause her to gain 5 pounds instantly. Then she quips "but it's not me, I'm not weak, It's my thyroid!" I stand by her in that statement. You can gain 20 pounds without effort over night.

Oprah recently found out that her thyroid is in disaray and she is being treated. This has been a major factor in her being unable to control her weight. Her thyroid goes from fast to slow and back to fast again.

The symptoms and results of having a slow or fast thyroid. Short of Breath? Check. Aching joints and muscles? Check. Thickening skin in patches, check. Hair loss? Check. Carpel Tunnel? Check . Depression? Check. Elevated Cholestral (not for me yet), Inability to sleep? Check. Anxiety? Check. Muscle twitches and tremors? Check. Heart Palpitations (racing heart) Check. . . . and the list goes on.

This is your thyroid - - Healthy. If it is enlarged your neck may feel tight, swollen and it may be hard to swallow and sometimes breath. You can have flu like symptoms and feel like you are having a nervous breakdown if the symptoms are severe. It can lead to heart and other organ failure, high cholestral and general malaise. Okay . . . . . . why am I talking about this?

There are lots of things magical about turning 50. And it's not just about a changing thyroid. I mean you are half a century and you really should welcome it and celebrate it. Lots of things get better. You go through the change which really is a relief and a good thing if you are on top of it. My mom always said that turning 50, "was great, all your cares and worries are less if your children are well adjusted and on their way." My friends who were over 50 said, "It's the best time of life as you look forward to retirment and just kicking back." My co-workers who lived in a somewhat more stressful world than my mom and my over-50 friends said, "It's all down hill healthwise. The month you turn 50 you begin to hurt and break and you have less energy and you suddenly reap the rewards for sitting at a desk and handling inordinate stress for the past 25 years. You can no longer run up the stairs." When I was 25 I heard two older women talking and they were sharing with each other about how much they hurt and comparing all their aches and pains that had come with age. They must have been, oh probably 55 at the time. I remember thinking as I listened to them whine, "Oh get over it, things can't be that bad." So then I waited. When I turned 50 it was a wonderful day. Surprises at work, many people sang to me including the president of the hospital I worked at; others said, "You do NOT look like you are 50!" I handed out homemade cookies to everyone who came to my office that day. I had very much looked forward to this new decade. It was a fun day and a fun few weeks. At age 50 and 2 months (according to my journal) my blood pressure went crazy on me, my heart would race, I felt nervous and anxious much of the time. They traced the change in my blood pressure to a slowing thyroid which was treatable and I was stable again . . . for awhile. When I turned 51 my husband moved away for work. I spent the next year dreaming, planning and working towards the day we would be together again. During that 12 months I had two surgeries and in between those surgeries (okay one of them could have been termed workers comp except I chose not to go that route) my thyroid slowed two times which was again regulated by medication increases. A sluggish thyroid is hard to miss and trust me you want to treat it as soon as you can. . . . and my doctor did. I also had a root canal that year which turned out to be sort of your "not so normal" root canal the doc said. I thought he looked a little panicked as he excused himself half way through "to go check on a patient." I know for a fact he left to go out and collect himself and get ready for the other half of the procedure which was taking twice as long as it should. When it was over I apologized to him. He said, "Really? Most people blame me when stuff like this happens." I gently reassured him and said, "No isn't your fault, trust me, it's me!" He thanked me for being understanding and I walked out to the car feeling sort of like Willie Cayote on the Road Runner cartoons after he has been hit by a jack hammer . . . Buzzing and jumping inside because of the trauma to my mind during the procedure. So how are things today? TODAY? I woke up feeling IT again. Oh boy! Here it is again. The thyroid is slowing again. Three times in a year? What is up with this? What in the world!!! I can hardly wait until tomorrow when I see the doctor, something I ususally dread. I know when she sees me coming she'll take a deep breath and greet me with a sweet smile. Until then I'll sit here and deal with butterflies in my stomach, tingling from head to toe, a headache, aching muscles and joints and muscle tremors. It sounds terrible but it isn't really if you know what is wrong. If I didn't recognize this for what it is, I would think I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm not. Your thyroid? Can't live with it and you can't live without it. Literally. I was 40 when people over 50 started saying, "Katie, just wait until you turn fifty." They said it alot in our office and I brushed them off as hypochondriacs. Well guess what! It was not in their heads! It was not in their minds! Just wait til you turn fifty!

A scary murderous night in Mobile

Yesterday I was thinking about a time in my life that was scary, weird, frightening, eerie and so I guess I'll write it down. In 2005 Dean had gone to Utah for one of our many (seperate) vacations. He was flying back home through Mobile because it was much cheaper to fly out of anywhere other than Pensacola Airport back then. We always drove to New Orleans, Mobile and even Fort Walton Beach - - whichever place held the best deal for us. On this night I decided to rent a car since ours was having problems so I could go pick Dean up in Mobile. He was scheulded to arrive at 7:00 p.m. I got off work, went to Enterprise Rent-A-Car and picked up the mid-size and got on the interstate. It was a lovely evening drive and I was in a very good mood because Dean was coming home after being gone for 10 days. On the way I looked out at the trees that lined both sides of the interstate and wondered if we would ever find a way to move back to the West. As a young married couple we set the goal and had the desire to leave Utah so we could experience new things, meet other people and grow in ways we felt would not come to us in Utah. We also knew that leaving Utah was the only way that Dean's career could grown as well as his knowledge in his chosen field of work - - IT. That chance to move came and we have never regretted it; but now after 16 years away from family and our roots, we had longings to return. I felt it was time and we had achieved really all we had set out to do when we moved to Florida 16 years earlier. As I listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD I had popped into the CD player, "This Land Is Your Land" began to play. I had the most peaceful feeling come over me; even a swelling in my heart for the people of the south. As I looked out at the beautiful green around me it was almost as if a golden aura surrounded the car. The feeling came to me that we would be in "The South" for at least a little while longer and suddenly, again, I was completely fine with that. I felt peace inside. As I arrived in Mobile and drove to the airport; after parking the car I went in. The flight itinerary board said that Dean's flight was delayed due to Mechanical problems and was still in Dallas - - would be arriving around 9:00 p.m. I decided to go back out to the car and go for some dinner. After dinner I went back to the airport and went in again. Another delay - - the plane would be coming in around 11:00 p.m. Now I was starting to lose patience. I looked around for a chair to sit on. The airport was being remodelled and there was nothing to sit on anywhere. Mobile Airport is the most unwelcoming airport in the world next to New Orleans. Not a chair in sight. It was apparent they don't want people hanging around or in the airport so I went back out to my car. I got in and locked the doors because I had heard that Mobile is one of the most dangerous cities in America. Didn't want to take my chances. After about an hour I let the seat go back. I laid down and tried to go to sleep. I was alseep about 20 minutes when something woke me. I was wide awake. It was an uncomfortable feeling. Outside there were a group of young men walking through the airport parking lot. As I looked at them I realized they couldn't see me but I had the distinct feeling to lay my seat back as far as it would go. I did that and lay quiet and still for as long as I could. At 11:00 I went back into the airport - - shouldn't have because I still had that uneasy feeling. It took all the bravery I had and I needed to find out the status of Dean's flight. Cautiously I got out of the car, looked around and quickly headed for the airport. The flight would be delayed again - - estimated arrival time - - 1:00 a.m. I was fuming and even muttered out loud, "this is the last time Dean will ever fly through Mobile and when he gets here he is going to get a piece of my mind" as I wondered what kind of shape I would be in the next day going to work without any sleep. I was a little bit uneasy as I headed back out to the car for a place to sit and wait. As I aproached the car and got in, there was the urgent feeling again to lock the doors quickly and lay down out of sight. The same group of boys kept walking by. I remember thinking, "where are your mothers and what kind of women are they - - to allow you out all night long to roam parking lots!" Dean finally came in at 2:30 a.m. I was so mad. I was mad at him, at those boys, at the airport, at Delta Airlines who always mess with us every time we fly; and I was mad at the mothers of those young men who were loitering in the parking lot. I was even mad at the woman at the information desk who looked at us as we exited the airport and said, "Goodnight folks, have a safe drive home." I was just mad! "All this just to save a few measly dollars," I thought. We headed back to Pensacola. I crawled into bed but before doing so called my boss, Celeste, leaving her a voice message that I might be a couple of hours late getting into work - - I needed at least 3 hours of sleep. We arrived home at 5:30 a.m. and went to bed. At 9:30 a.m. I was in the car heading to work and listening to the news on the radio. Two people had been murdered in the Mobile Airport parking lot just hours before in the darkness of the night. Gang members who were walking around trying to break into cars came upon two people and killed them for money. All of a sudden I was no longer angry, I was grateful. I knew I had been protected. I knew I had been prompted to protect myself in those early morning hours in a dark parking lot. Since then we have never flown out of any other airport except Pensacola. It's only money! It's only money! A few dollars for two lives. The airport parking lot is not large - - small in comparison to other airports. Two lives were taken that night in that relatively small parking lot - - probably very close to where I was sitting in my car - - - and for what? A few dollars. A few dollars! Mobile will always be a very scary murderous city in my mind. I have no desire to go there ever. When we would go through there or past there, even before this incident, I always have had a depressive feeling come over me. It's a bad place to be. One hour from home, it is the nearest city of any note for us but we don't go there. When the kids and I first came here to be with Dean after our things had been moved from Utah, we flew in to Mobile. It was midnight when we arrived. I remember looking out at the city and thinking, "this feels bad. Is this what if will feel like to live here?" As soon as we left Mobile and headed for Pensacola - - that feeling left me. Perhaps that first impression in my mind was a warning that Mobile is not a place we would ever want to be or live. Money? Life! Money? Life! It's only money! A few dollars to save? Nope -- Never again.

Missing Dean and Annie

This is AnaLee Michelle Gardner. She is our oldest daughter (between Eric and Rachel). I miss her too so I thought I would put her in this "missing you" message. I'll see her again someday. We all will be able to have her and hold her and raise her again. What great knowledge this is for our family.

I've been missing Dean so much lately. We have a plan (tentative) to move by August 4 if not before then, then that week. That is when Dean (who has a very big position that keeps him completely busy all the time) thinks he can break free from work. I don't worry about it because there is a plan to everything in life and we just basically have to go with it and enjoy what falls in between. There is plenty I can enjoy here in Florida and the key is keeping a smile on my face which is not hard for me. We had so much fun in Utah together last month. Our relationship has really evolved for the better over the last year with the forced circumstances of living apart. Being apart has strengthened us if that is possible because we were so close before. While we always worried that time is precious, and we were ever aware that you never can expect to have tomorrow with your loved ones; we had and continue to have faith that we'll be together and soon and enjoy much time together in the future. Life is short, it's true, but eternity goes on forever. I have come to know that even if we never get to build that house we have plans for, it won't matter, being together and having shelter is all that really matters in this life.

Happy Birthday Baby

Happy Birthday Rachel. Rachel is 25 today. What a rich full life she has had and most of all she has made our life rich. Here are some pictures of her in the past and now. Love you Rachee. Hope your day is a day with some celebration of "family" and celebration of "me." Happy Birthday sweet girl/woman/daughter. Love you. Mom and Dad.

Seattle - - If the pictures are too small - click on them for a better view.

Birthday - 2008 - Yankee Doodle Daughter.

Her sweetest blessing - Ashlynn Brooke

Trying on the old gown(s). Look ma - - they still fit!

Rachel and her cousin Sara - Christmas 1987

Rachel used to crawl up on the piano at 15 months and play "Hot Cross Buns!" No kidding! Her musical talents are piano, clarinet, dancing and her beautiful singing voice. When was single she sang often in front of audiences. Her opportunities for singing do not come now which is sad. Could she be hiding her gift under a bushel rather than putting it on a candlestick for all to see? Hmmmm.

Rachel loves to sew (pretty much self-taught), share her compassion and resources with others who are less fortunate, lend a listeninig ear when someone is struggling and be a supportive wife and patient loving mother.

Very first bath at home after birth - Ashlynn

Forest Girl - - Seattle Washington - Happy Birthday Rachel Jean.